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What the Conflict Resolution Quiz helps us understand  - and what's missing.

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I have been reading Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Al Switzler, Ron McMillan. I enjoy this book - it’s easy to follow with many suggestions for how to navigate conversations as soon as they turn crucial. On a side note, I prefer this book compared to ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, and Sheila Heen as I find ‘Difficult Conversations’ to be convoluted and a more effortful read. 

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According to Crucial Learning, the first step towards improving your conflict resolution skills is to identify your ‘Style Under Stress’. The short version of the quiz is only 12 questions and is supposed to determine the category of your conflict resolution style. This quiz reveals your natural tendencies to move toward silence (masking, avoiding, or withdrawing) or violence (controlling, labeling, or attacking). Before starting the quiz, the publishers want you to think of a specific relationship; for example, a boss, co-worker, direct report, partner, or a family member. After determining a specific relationship, the next step would be to identify a circumstance. This would be a tough disagreement which doesn’t get resolved to your satisfaction. With the relationship and circumstance in mind, the next step would be to respond to the quiz. I have listed the questions below. Take a moment to read them:

 

1. At times I avoid situations that might bring me into contact with people I'm having problems with. (T/F)

 

2. I have put off returning phone calls or e-mails because I simply didn't want to deal with the person who sent them. (T/F)

 

3. Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awkward issue I try to change the subject. (T/F)

 

4. When it comes to dealing with awkward or stressful subjects, sometimes I hold back rather than give my full and candid opinion. (T/F)

 

5. Rather than tell people exactly what I think, sometimes I rely on jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know I'm frustrated. (T/F)

 

6. When I've got something tough to bring up, sometimes I offer weak or insincere compliments to soften the blow. (T/F)

 

7. In order to get my point across, I sometimes exaggerate my side of the argument. (T/F)

 

8. If I seem to be losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change the subject in order to bring it back to where I think it should be. (T/F)

 

9. When others make points that seem stupid to me, I sometimes let them know it without holding back at all. (T/F)

 

10. When I'm stunned by a comment, sometimes I say things that others might take as forceful or attacking—terms such as 'Give me a break!' or 'That's ridiculous!'. (T/F)

 

11. Sometimes when things get a bit heated I move from arguing against others' points to saying things that might hurt them personally. (T/F)

 

12. If I really get into a heated discussion, I've been known to be tough on the other person. In fact, they might even feel a bit insulted or hurt. (T/F)

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After you’ve taken the quiz, head over to Vital Smarts to learn how your results can be interpreted. Your response will correlate to a ‘silence’ total and ‘violence’ total. Using their scoring method you can deduce what your conflict resolution style is. 

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Reflections:

 

When I first took this quiz, I was excited to learn what my conflict resolution style was. Personally, I was looking forward to learning how this can be helpful in everyday interactions. However, when I reviewed this quiz a few times; I came to a realization: your conflict resolution style is fluid. Simply put, what’s measurable is not always meaningful, and what’s meaningful is not always measurable. Conflict resolution depends on the person, purpose of the interaction, your relationship, the topic discussed, and your capacity and commitment to resolving the conflict. Having tools to manage conflict, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment, is more valuable than a label of a conflict style based referring to a specific topic/person. 

 

One consideration is the power dynamic. Think about how you respond to a conflict situation with your boss? Or your spouse? Now think about a co-worker or peer. How we respond varies depending on the relationship we have with the other stakeholder. As a professional, you often find yourself in different situations. For example, if the topic was something I was deeply passionate about, and you caught me when I was in a grumpy mood and I had 20 mins to talk, my conflict resolution ‘category’ would likely shift.  You would likely hear comments which correspond to different conflict resolution styles throughout the conversation. 

 

Reflecting on this quiz, I realized that context is everything. You simply can’t put people into ‘categories’ as there are shifts depending on numerous factors. What is more valuable than a label or a category, are tools to navigate and manage conflict. Tools which open up and maintain the conversation and keep a respectful interaction. I often think of the quote by Ron McMillan, “Respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about.”

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That being said, I really like this quiz as a first step in self-awareness training. However, anything further than that, I would say is a stretch. What’s more valuable than deducing your score is to have respondents describe the rationale behind their responses. The qualitative data is more purposeful and telling. Rather than being labeled as masking, avoiding, or withdrawing, controlling, labeling, or attacking; I would prefer the quiz be used as a means of self reflection - identifying blind spots and giving us a moment to to think about the lens by which we view the situation, the narratives we are subscribing to, and our emotional awareness. 

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At Reach With Speech, our Conflict Resolution Workshops are hands-on, interactive, with numerous opportunities to engage in role play to further develop your self awareness and practice your skills which will impact real life conversations. Over the course of two 2 hour sessions, participants can practice strategies in a safe space and learn how to navigate these challenging conversations when it’s least expected. Rather than learning labels and categories, our workshops will allow participants to learn and practice tools that easily translate into a professional environment and enhance cooperation and productivity.  Contact Reach With Speech today for details.

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